How? By encountering an assailant round every corner - and passing paparazzi to record the ensuing brawls
Let's begin with floundering sublebrity Alex Reid, and see where he takes us. First up, Lost in Showbiz can only conclude the cage-fighting former Mr Katie Price is engaged in what Tony Blair's aides once called a "masochism strategy". In Blair's case, this involved allowing convenient members of the public to come up and slag him off over the NHS or Iraq. In the case of Alex Reid ? whose purview is slightly smaller ? it involves being ambushed in "impromptu" street brawls, captured by conveniently passing paparazzi.
The latest such incident occurred this week, as Alex was challenged by an assailant outside a gym, with the photos ending up in the Sun. Of course, staging pap pictures is nothing new ? Princess Di used to do it, and these days "snatched" poolside shots of Hollyoaks starlets account for a made-up figure of 9% of the celebrity economy. But it's always nice to see an artist push the boundaries of the form, and that's why Alex's latest "misfortune" rang a bell.
You are cordially referred to an exclusive story that appeared in the News of the World a couple of months ago. Penned by the paper's showbiz editor Dan Wootton, it accompanied pictures which purported to show Alex walking by St Matthias's church in Richmond on Good Friday afternoon ? when who should rush into frame to attack him but a mysterious hooded man, who bloodies Alex's nose before being taught a lesson by the Reidernator. It really is the most intriguing set of pictures. To get round the paywall, head straight to newsmediaimages.com, where you can view the sequence in full ? along with some splendidly cynical commentary from blogger Michael Wheeler.
For now, let's return to Dan's account, courtesy of the carpenter who apparently chanced to be taking photos of the church at the time and snapped the whole thing. Now, I do love it when the single eyewitness to an event has not just a camera, but a working knowledge of the Z-list, and a nice line in pithy quotes. So here are the thoughts of passing carpenter Edward Upton: "The guy just banged into Alex. I saw Alex try and get out of the way. Alex then stepped back and held his hands out as if to say, 'What's going on?' The man just smacked him in the face with a straight right. I was amazed he didn't go down."
"Seconds later," reports Dan, "the tables were turned as muscle-bound Reid sprang into action."
"Alex showed he could really handle himself," the carpenter adds. "He had him on the floor in a split second and delivered two sharp punches to his chest ? boom, boom. They seemed to disable him. Alex then started wagging his finger at the man as he pinned him down. After finishing his lecture, Alex allowed the man to get up and stagger off."
Now, some of you might be smelling the vaguest whiff of rat. But happily, I can set your minds at rest, as I have found my own "insider", who tells me: "Alex TOTALLY had a fight outside the church that afternoon, even though any professional snapper will tell you the light looks like it all happened very early morning ? which would account for the deserted streets. And yes, there was definitely a lone passing carpenter who happened to be filming it all ? while indulging his hobby of dawn spire photography. Nevermind that you never see the mysterious bloke in the hood's face, nor that Alex is pinning him to the floor with a bent arm. And at no stage did Alex chomp down on a fake blood vial."
So hats off to Wootton for the exclusive. Incidentally, I note Dan has spent part of this week delivering 140-character keynote addresses on journalism. "I learned so much working on trade papers about being a journalist," writes this latterday CP Scott, "before going to the News of the World."
And so to the giggle of the week, which has surely been News of the World showbiz journalists weighing into L'Affaire Hari. I see Dan endorsed the comments of the News of the World's Tom Latchem, who has been holding forth loftily on "being a proper journalist" ? and as TV editor, he does exclusively reveal what's going to happen next week on the soaps. "I interview and quote people perfectly properly," ran one of his sanctimonious lectures accusing Johann Hari of sanctimony. "Hari would never have got nicked quotes past the Screws," ran another's sentiment he swiftly retweeted. "Newspaper snobs need to cope with this fact."
As it goes, Lost in Showbiz lacks the pedigree to be a newspaper snob. It's like Oscar Wilde said: we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up Britney's skirt. However, I must say this "fact" made me cope till my sides split. After all, not a week goes by without Tom running odd-sounding quotes from anonymous sources. A recent favourite came the week after the royal wedding, in which he exclusively revealed the embroidery secrets of Kate Middleton's dress. As he put it: "Our source said: 'We were assured money was no object as it was being made for a period television drama ? which is a good job because it came in at about �250,000.'" Or as it appeared in later editions of the very same week's paper: "Our source said: 'We were assured money was no object because it was being made for a period television drama ? which is a good job, because it came in at about �300,000.'"
I don't mean to cavil, Tom. But can we go back to your meticulously filed tape of the interview with the source, and establish what precise figure they whispered down the telephone ? if indeed you conducted the interview over the phone, and didn't meet in an underground parking garage? In the meantime, to clarify, Lost in Showbiz is not for one second suggesting that other people's mistakes excuse any made by Johann Hari. But in the name of merriment, please let the lectures from the Toms and Dans of this world never end. Short of taking lessons in household economy off Prince Charles, I cannot think of a more screamingly amusing way to pass one's time.
Monet Mazur Rozonda Thomas Rachel Weisz Miranda Kerr Sarah Shahi
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