He has forgiven Charlie Sheen, but now warlock Christian Day has the star of Your Highness in his sights
So often fated to be the bearer of bad tidings for celebrities, Lost in Showbiz is delighted, for once, to be in receipt not merely of good news, but good news for Charlie Sheen. You may recall, some weeks back, this column reporting that the woes of the troubled former star of Two and a Half Men had been compounded by news that he had upset not just the ex-wife whose head he allegedly threatened to chop off and send to her mother, but a former advertising executive turned self-styled warlock, necromancer, "child of darkness" and "Howard Stern of witchcraft" (no, LiS isn't 100% certain what that means either). His name is Christian Day, of the Salem, Massachusetts-based Coven of the Raven Moon, and he was apparently left "fuming" by Sheen describing himself as a warlock.
"This is a blatant offence against our ways," he protested, before threatening to "magically bind" Sheen in a cleansing ceremony that would "send him ideas ? directly into his head, via light ? against maligning warlocks in the future". "Not to harm him," he added, having presumably considered Sheen's behaviour in recent months and concluded: he looks like a man who really needs someone to magically send ideas into his head.
There were those who felt that Sheen perhaps had bigger things to worry about than a chubby goth waving a skull about and fuming, but LiS has looked deep into Day's credentials. It has read the online biography that not only puffs his psychic abilities but, with a certain crushing inevitability, contains the phrase "Christian Day has appeared on Living TV". It has visited his online webstore Hex, with its keen grasp of its target market ? "for all those who have called out to the spirits in a graveyard during the dead of night, who have stood in a thunderstorm to command the winds, who have pricked a finger to set the spell with their own blood . . . Hex is for you" ? and its array of bargains. How different Mother's Day might have been had LiS learned sooner that the Red Penis Candle is currently on special offer, reduced from $12.99 to $11.04 (�6.76). It has taken note of the events on offer at his "psychic parlour" Omen, and likes the sound of the two-hour class on Revenge Magic with Leanne Marrama, who carries with her the ultimate accolade, the certification that proves beyond doubt her mastery of the dark arts, "as seen on TV's What Not To Wear". Sadly, when LiS clicked on the website for Day's Sorcery of the Sun event ? "join the Salem witches for the first harvest as they cast a spell of summer over the city" ? it was greeted only by a humorous photo of a manatee and the message "I've changed!", which gave it serious pause. Perhaps that manatee had once been a journalist, now damply ruing the day he incurred Christian Day's wrath by mocking his ju-ju powers in between trying to avoid the propellers of boats and mating only once every two years.
So it is with relief that Lost in Showbiz can report that Day has apparently forgiven Sheen and called a cessation to all anti-Sheen necromancy. "All in all, I think my experience with Mr Sheen is done. I appreciated that he said he was not a warlock and looks at it as a fun thing. He may still be using the word warlock, but at least he's being clear he's not really one," he explained, after witnessing Sheen's Torpedo of Truth tour in Boston, concluding: "He's being a twit."
LiS choses to ignore those who raise an eyebrow at a grown man who walks around in a cape, eyeliner and a pointy witch's hat calling anyone else a twit and instead marvels at the brilliant insight into human behaviour clearly afforded those who master the dark arts.
Besides, Day now has other celebrity victims in his sights, namely Natalie Portman: he is currently trying to organise a boycott of her fantasy comedy film Your Highness in protest at what he terms its anti-warlock message. Fuming once more, he calls the film "an assault on taste" for featuring "a warlock who hopes to deflower helpless virgins and rule the world". "I hope people boycott this movie and movies like it so that Hollywood is inspired to release more positive films about witches and warlocks," he says.
You see? You thought he was just a berk in a hat, but in reality he is a campaigner against prejudice and for equality! A freedom fighter! He's Martin Luther Warlock! Lost in Showbiz lights its special-offer Red Penis Candle in tribute and says: if on a visit to Sea World you chance upon a manatee that has an indefinable ring of Padme Amidala, Queen of Naboo, about it, don't say you weren't warned.
Vanessa Simmons Chyler Leigh Julie Berry Lori Heuring Nicole Scherzinger
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